Recollections on Portion Control and Muffins

Katie and I spent the summer in Madison, sub-leasing a couple of rooms from a boy that Katie went to middle school with, and sharing the apartment with a very wee boy named Tommy from St. Paul.  Tommy was dear and kind, and would say things in a thick and charming Minnesota accent, dripping with kindness and vowels. 

“Gosh, it’s good to sit at the table and have dinner with people.  I always say to my roommates ‘hey fellas, don’t you want to sit at the table and have dinner?’ but they never do.” 

He was also a champion of portion control, and frequently we would find things like a half eaten fun size Kit Kat bar on a plate, covered with plastic wrap, in the refrigerator. 

“Tommy,” we would say, “what is going on here?  You couldn’t finish the entire Kit Kat?” 

“Oh gosh, no, I was just too full. I’m saving it for later!” 

(Perhaps we should have paid attention to this doctrine of reasonable food consumption, especially in light of the time that we baked all of Tommy’s boxes of muffin mix, ate the muffins, biked to the store to buy Tommy more boxes of muffin mix, accidentally baked all of the muffins again, and then had to bike to the store, frantic that he would return home from work before we could restock his cupboards.  Tommy walked in as we finished the last of the muffins.  “Gosh!  Eating muffins!  That reminds me that I have several boxes of muffin mix to use.  I’m going to make some muffins right now.”  We breathed a sigh of relief at having committed the perfect crime of overindulgence.  “I can’t possibly eat all the muffins myself, so I’ll share them with you when I finish them.”  We stopped breathing, at the exciting thought of more muffins.  Unfortunately, Tommy neglected to watch the timer, and went to visit friends in the courtyard of the apartment building; later in the evening we heard him running up the stairs, yelling in his delightful voice, “the muffins, the muffins!  I forgot about the muffins!” while smoke billowed from the oven.)

Tommy’s mother sent him to college with a cookbook of 365 Complete Meals.  It included recipes for complete meals such as Spaghetti and Banana Cream Pie. 

Ingredients: Spaghetti Noodles, One Jar Spaghetti Sauce, One Frozen Banana Cream Pie. 

Directions: Cook noodles according to package directions, add sauce; defrost Banana Cream Pie. 

What?  Tommy this isn’t a cookbook!  It’s just a grocery list! 

Tommy replies, “oh gosh no, it’s a great cookbook.  My mother gave it to me, and it’s how I cook all my meals.  Now, did either of you see half an Eggo waffle in the fridge?  I left it there this morning, and I wanted to eat it for snack this afternoon…”